I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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