The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
