I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I need to align my fucking chakras
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
