i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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