I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
