cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
