I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
