pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
