In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
