my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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