i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
