dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
