your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
