Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
