Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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