Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
