I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Four minutes until I can fart!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
