I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
