I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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