do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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