Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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