Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
