Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
