you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
