Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
