So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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