i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I love you. Go after that dick
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
