Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
