My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
