just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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