My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I need to stop coming to work sober
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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