i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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