Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
