Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
