I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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