lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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