i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
