She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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