im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
