All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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