mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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