Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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