We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
