We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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