if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
