Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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