It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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