Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he told me I talked like a deaf person
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
