It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
