i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
