SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
