This dress was meant to end up on your floor
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
