I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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