I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
