and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
