I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
