Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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