when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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