What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
i think my cat just said my name.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
