tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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