I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
